Weekly Forecast with the Nihilistic Astrologer

I Was Going to Print All the Horoscopes But Then I Thought, What’s the Point?


Mercury will be forming a grand earth trine with Uranus and Saturn this week. What does that mean? I really don’t know and frankly it doesn’t matter, but it makes me sound like I know a great deal about the stars and it raises the chances of you taking this forecast seriously, so I’ll keep speaking in this gibberish.

If I had to take a wild guess, the planets are telling you to stop being such a lazy piece of S*@(#. We all know Tauruses take the same amount of initiation as a guinea pig on horse tranquilizers, but it’s time for you to finally throw away that moldy cheese at the bottom of your refrigerator drawer and to stop using the kitchen paper towels as toilet paper.