Weekly Forecast with the Nihilistic Astrologer

I Was Going to Print All the Horoscopes But Then I Thought, What’s the Point?


Starting Oct 5, Venus kicks into retrograde and will throw your compassionate tendencies and communication skills out the window.

Oh, wait! Actually, you’re a Virgo, so that means you weren’t born with any communication skills or compassionate tendencies to begin with. You could acquire decent social skills if only you would quit getting caught up on each of your minor shortcomings like mistakenly telling that customer to “have a good day” when they left the restaurant at 10 pm.

However, your existence is “painful,” and that is primarily because even you find yourself dreadfully painful to be around. When you finally die and reach the afterlife, do you really want to continuously replay some awkward moment in your head for eternity. You know, like the awkward moment that is your entire life. Well then, it’s time for change.

I’m just kidding (lol). The afterlife doesn’t exist. The most eventful thing that will happen to you after your death are the maggots eating and defecating inside your rotting corpse. Actually! Maybe, if you’re lucky, those maggots could be pretty, iridescent scarabs, instead…