How to survive homecoming

Connor White

Homecoming is a very important time for you post-secondary populations. It’s a time of community, traditions and friendly rivalry. It’s also a time filled with danger and rising tensions. Here are some helpful and totally serious tips to make it through Homecoming in one piece.

Pregame: Leaving your home is dangerous, much more than you were led to believe. The streets are crawling with the undea- I mean, people who can’t hold their liquor. Better to drink at home with people you trust. Venture out only to replenish the booze and quickly return.

Anti-Social Media: Tempers flare and old wounds reopen during a period of extra school spirit, but before you go ranting on your Instatwitterbook with 8 million hashtags, think about what you’re about to post. Does it sound like a YouTube comment written by a 12-year-old? Don’t post it.

Chivalry is Dead: There may be a court to vote for with Kings and Queens and Dukes and Duchesses, but don’t be fooled: the United States has not adopted a monarchy. If the newly elected royalty attempts to return the land to serfdom, DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. No one’s going to send you to the dungeons. They would send you to the Math/Physics Building. Same thing.

Russell Union Intrusion: Every organization will want to take advantage of the bustle of activity. It’s smart, but that means students are caught in the crossfire, with a barrage of bake sales, flyers and the insistence that ‘this’ Homecoming candidate is worthy of your vote. To avoid confrontation, wear dark sunglasses and headphones or pretend you don’t speak English. Es su única esperanza.

Please Remain Seated: The Homecoming football game is a wonderful time to show off your school spirit. Apparently, it’s also a great place for people to show off how much they love standing for three hours. If there’s one thing at those games everyone wants to say but doesn’t, it’s that they’d rather be sitting. Try alternative methods to cheer for our Eagles, like clapping or enthusiasm.

For Alums: Graduates love coming back to see their school during Homecoming. For any visiting alumni out there, beware that the school advertises donations heavily during this time. Nothing says they enjoyed having you as a student quite like asking for more of your money.

With a sound mind and able body, you too can avoid the pitfalls of Homecoming and emerge unscathed. Take these tips to heart, and don’t make the mistakes so many others have made in the past.