Welcome to the second part of our series on the 2016 presidential candidates. This guide is made for those of you who might not care enough or have time to do the research yourself, but still want to be decent American citizens for the sake of your generation. I mean, we are “the future”, aren’t we?
The contenders we are focusing on this week are Ted Cruz, Chris Christie, and Bernie Sanders!
Ted Cruz
“The Pioneer Perfectionist”
Political Party: Republican
via GIPHY
The Lowdown: Ted Cruz, the first official Republican candidate in this election, is one of the most conservative of the Republican contenders. He is against Obama’s immigration policies because he thinks that they have increased the number of illegal immigrants in the country. His plans include: repealing Obamacare, lowering cooperate tax rates, ending Common Core education standards, and abolishing the IRS.
If he was in college: Cruz would be the guy that holds a leadership position in several clubs. He would be the person you cheat off of in class but don’t want to invite to a party because he might call the cops if anything illegal happens.
If he were a drink: Stella Artois beer (too “perfect” for Natty)
Chris Christie
“The Recovered Reputation ”
Political Party: Republican
via GIPHY
The Lowdown: Some skeptical people have watched Christie closely after a 2013 scandal involving him and the media. Despite belonging to the Republican category, the New Jersey governor’s stance on political issues are more moderate than the other Republican candidates. His plans include: developing a reformed and simplified tax code, lowering social security benefits and increasing Medicaid costs for wealthier senior citizens, allowing in-state tuition for undocumented students, ending and replacing Obamacare, and working to limit the effects of climate change.
If he was in college: Christie would be the guy that had a bad rumor spread about him freshman year that most people pretend to forget about. He would be the guy that is known for getting way too worked up over a game of beer pong. He ends up marrying a girl he was partners with in a beer pong tournament and they end up having a ping pong table in the basement of their home years later.
If he was a drink: Skyy vodka straight (Pretty basic, but pretty bold)
Bernie Sanders
“The Upbeat Grandpa”
Political Party: Democratic
The Lowdown: Bernie Sanders, who worked in the House of Representatives for 16 years and is now in his second term as senator, is about as liberal as one gets. The candidate, who has been referred to as a “climate change hawk,” has created a bill that will charge companies for carbon emissions. He plans to lower tuition at state colleges, ultimately making two years free. He also wants to break up big banks, raise taxes for the wealthy, and lower taxes for the middle class. Concerning immigration, Sanders wants to offer a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants.
If he was in college: Bernie would be the guy that wears Chaco’s to class, to the bars, and to work. He goes to music festivals on the weekends and he spends most summers working at a national park in Alaska.
If he was a drink: craft beer from a local brewery (he doesn’t want to support a large, mainstream company)
See you next week for the next round of 2016 presidential candidates!
