Does the idea of your man or hook-up for the night going to the kitchen and grabbing penis-shaped produce, a cucumber perhaps, and then shoving it up your ass sound like a hot night to you?

Yeah, it doesn’t to him either.

This is something Cosmopolitan has recommended that women do to liven things up in the bedroom and help their partners explore their adventurous sides. They’ve also suggested taking a doughnut, inserting your man’s penis into the hole, then eating parts of the doughnut while giving him a blow job.

If you’re a reader of Cosmopolitan let me provide you with two truths.

1. If his penis can fit into a doughnut hole then you probably have more problems than just how sticky that doughnut has made your bedroom.

2. He doesn’t want you chomping on something that is wrapped around his best friend. Teeth are not normally a welcome party guest.

Instead of trusting strangers that have never met you or your partner, why not ask him or her what he or she wants to happen in the privacy of a bedroom? Open communication should already be a part of your relationship because consent to whatever sexual act you’re choosing to do should be established.

Stop paying writers that expect you to be able to fit a peppermint, champagne and a penis in your mouth all at the same time just to create a tingly blow job (however, if you can do so, congratulations).

Also, creating happiness in a relationship is not and should not be centered around pleasing one another sexually. Think about ways you can make your partner, and yourself, happy by planning out of the bedroom activities. Surprise each other with a favorite candy, make dinner for one another, or listen to your partner even when they’re just babbling.

You define your happiness in a relationship, don’t let a penis do that for you.