Dear Kat,

I met a girl at a party once and we got to talking. We really hit it off and I felt like we could actually see where this went. Later on in the night she told me she believed in love at first sight. I ended up getting her number and we saw each other again, I blew a dank vape cloud and she didn’t immediately fall in love. What am I doing wrong?

From Alexander Eissa

Alexander,

To be honest, I am as baffled as you. What girl wouldn’t fall head over heels for you after you blew a, “dank” vape cloud in her presence?

If you really want to get this girl to fall in love with you, you need to impress her. And I don’t mean all that normal mushy stuff like taking her out to nice restaurants or surprising her with flowers. You’re going to have to dig much deeper than that.

What will really win her over is your attention.

Become familiar with her schedule. Memorize all her classes so you can “accidentally” run into her all the time.

If she goes out to eat at Zaxby’s- you better be there. If she orders an upside down caramel frappe at the Starbuck’s drive-thru, you should be right behind her ordering an upside down caramel frappe. If she goes home to Alpharetta to visit her family, follow her there.

Seriously, girls are always complaining about how guys don’t give them enough attention– give her ALL of your attention.

I hope this helps! Can’t wait to get an invite to your wedding!

XOXO,

Kat

Dear Kat,

I’m graduating this semester. Is it even worth telling a girl I love her?

From Dazed and Confused

Dear D&C,

I bet you’re expecting me to tell you to go for it.

After all, ’tis the season of overpriced Hallmark cards and heart-shaped candy.

Unfortunately, I’m going to tell you no. Why?

In the wise words of Ron Swanson, “I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.”

You should strive to keep your enthusiasm low and minimize any risks you might want to take in life. Routine is key.

Take the same route to classes. Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know. Stay indoors. Stay away from windows. Seek shelter in your basement or bathtub.

Do you really want to add the spice of love to your life? Of course not. After all, the best cooks will tell you that spice is really not that important anyways. Bland is the best.

Keep on keeping on,

Kat

Dear Kat,

Where have all the good men gone?

From Holding out for a Hero

Holding Out,

I too ponder this question. Why can’t the world be filled with Justin Biebers or Bernie Sanders’ for us all to cherish on Saint Valetine’s Day?

My advice to you is to continue holding out- hold out forever.

Truly, why would you want to be tied down anyways? Think about all the benefits of being single.

This weekend you can use that 2-For-1 Valentine’s voucher and have two meals all to yourself. You can spend Saturday binge watching as much of #KUWTK as you want to. As a single person, the world is your oyster.

I feel sure that this is enough to persuade you that the single life is the best, but if you aren’t convinced, you can rest knowing that I can’t tell you where all the good men went. IDK.

Maybe they are at a conference talking about how they are. Maybe they are being developed in a lab somewhere overseas. If you find them, well, I don’t really care to know.

Happy Hunting,

Kat