I Was Going to Print All the Horoscopes But Then I Thought, What’s the Point?

Starting today, Saturn switches direction from retrograde into the direct status and puts a forward motion in Capricorn. What the H*** does that mean, you ask? Well, I’ll tell ya, you better brace yourself and strap on that seatbelt because it’s gonna be a rough ride!

Or don’t, because you know what’s more meaningless than life and death? Astrology.  

Anyway, supposedly it means that all your dirty secrets will be uncovered this week. You’ll luck out if you have been playing a clean game, but we all know Geminis are constantly weaseling their way through life. By secrets being uncovered, I don’t mean that booger graveyard that exits under your driver’s seat or you cheating on your last biology test. I mean that lie you’ve been building your entire existence around in order to trick everyone into thinking you’re a decent human being.