Graduation “To Do” List: Part 6


Matt Sowell

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Weeks: 2
Days: 17
Hours: 408

12) Focus on your grades
With all of the excitement in recent weeks, you seemed to have let your grades slip out of focus. This was brought to your attention when your professor told you that you have a 69.99 percent in a class, and that they absolutely will not round. You schedule a meeting with them.
When you arrive, they are sitting on a large throne in their office petting a cat. They ask you to kneel before them. “I’m supposed to graduate in like two weeks,” you say, as humbly as you can. “If you could please, oh gracious leader, provide me with some extra credit, that would be most gracious.” The professor scoffs and explains the importance of studying. They tell you that if you pass the final, you’ll pass the class.

11) Eat at Cookout
For dinner, you are craving something fancy. Your heart says Coconut Thai, but your wallet says cookout. You realize you’ve never actually been there sober or before 1 a.m. Once you enter, you realize it’s nothing like you thought it was. Jesus music plays over the intercom as drunk freshman laugh obnoxiously loud. It’s so cold that you have to ice skate to the counter to order. Your burger is literally just grease between two buns, frozen because of the arctic temperatures. Three bites in, you get tired of Mercy Me singing in your ear. After a burp, you decide to go for a walk.

10) Visit Paulson Stadium
You find yourself at Paulson Stadium. It’s night and everything is quiet, except for an armed robbery just down the block. You sneak inside and sit where you sat at your first football game. The air is cool and the night is still, you breathe in that classic toxic Statesboro air. It’s peaceful, you almost begin to cry.
Erk the Ghost appears. “What in the name of Beautiful Eagle Creek are you doing?” he asks. “There’s no crying in football, go finish the semester out strong.” You leave.

This article is satirical, and we encourage readers to please drink responsibly.

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