Gossip Gus: Professor Holds Graded Gender Reveal Party


Ron Aguilar

“Gender Reveal Party” by ron.aguilar@gmail.com is marked with CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Hi Eagle Nation, Gossip Gus here!

Things are heating up at Armstrong, sort of like a bun in the oven. Professor Preggy Kennings knows all about that.

Spotted: Students of professor Preggy Kennings exiting their Nickelback 1000 class with Publix sheet cake in their hands and tears in their eyes. It seems like the class had a party they might not soon forget. Why?

According to a close source: the professor, who is a known pregnant woman, finally held a gender reveal party on Monday, May 2. It was a mandatory event for all students enrolled in her courses this semester.

Apparently, in lieu of the required end-of-course thesis, Dr. Kennings required her students to take a guess at the gender of her unborn child.

“It’s completely bogus,” one student confided. “I mean, we put in all this work and research throughout the semester for it all to come down to the color inside of a confetti cannon!”

The pass/fail exam counts for 75% of the final grade for all Kennings courses. Stakes were high, with students developing complex math equations to evaluate the size and position of their professor’s baby bump.

“I mean, if her bump is exactly 20 inches in diameter it’s statistically likely that she should be pregnant with a boy!” another student wrote in. “She needs to have a live sonogram to prove she’s not lying to us! There’s no way she has a girl in that belly. Her skin is flawless!”

“I consulted with my psychic and she accurately predicted that PK was carrying a bouncing baby girl,” another student told me. “Easiest ‘A’ I’ll ever make.”

An estimated 5% of students correctly guessed the gender of the baby. The rest of Kennings’ students are petitioning to have Kennings fired and her baby revoked by the university.

According to my sources, Kennings will reportedly be offering extra credit opportunities to the winners of her upcoming baby shower games. Will it be enough to turn around her poor students’ grades? Maybe not.

Either way, you’ll be the first to hear about any rattlings of Kennings’ disaster shower.

With this semester wrapping up, some Georgia Southerners may feel safe to go about their titulos scandals without the worry of my reports. I’m here to let you know that Gossip Gus never sleeps. I’ll have my eagle eye on you all summer long.

And who am I, you ask? That’s one secret I’ll never tell. You know you love me
XOXO, Gossip Gus.