NASCAR Coming to Sports Center Parking Lot

Editors Note: This article is satirical and is not meant to be taken seriously.


Photo by Chase McBride

SAVANNAH- The NASCAR CEO announced that the Armstrong sports center parking lot will be converted into an official NASCAR racetrack.

“Based on our observations of drivers in the parking lot, it makes sense for both sides,” said a spokesperson for NASCAR.

The university echoed this sentiment, saying, “our students showed us how this could work, and we are honored to be this first college that can serve as a racetrack.”

Student drivers regularly reached up to 150 MPH in the parking lot before the announcement, even when individuals were walking, without consequence. “I’ve been hit four times in that parking lot, it’s a death trap, and now you tell me I have to deal with NASCAR drivers,” said Jim Ross, a 1st-year Bicycle Design major.

France said the racetrack would create jobs as it will host the inaugural Squishmallows Series featuring 40 of Armstrong’s finest, including Gossip Gus.

A date for the Squishmallows Series has not yet been revealed, but construction will begin after the MCC is constructed. Student Union Speedway is the racetrack’s official name.

Students who wish to register for the race should apply to the USG website. For more information on the track and its construction, visit the NASCAR website.