Hank Green Visits Armstrong Biology Department, Consumes Lab Samples

Editors Note: This article is satirical and is not meant to be taken seriously.


Visual reenactment generated by Stable Diffusion and edited by Cooper Ownbey

March 28th marked a monumental day in Armstrong’s STEM history.

As a handful of senior biology students sat cornea-deep in their microscopes during a Tuesday evening research class, an unexpected visitor was making his way up the stairwell of the Science Center.

“I tripped back down the entire flight of stairs a couple of times on my way up,” Hank Green reportedly told the students with an unblinking grin, “but I made it to the second floor after about fifteen minutes.”

The sight of the biochemist/author/internet educator evoked overwhelming joy in the seniors, who began squealing in delight.

“At first, we thought it was all those fetal pigs we’ve dissected over the years finally coming back for vengeance,” stated a wide-eyed biology student who had been downstairs at the time of the cacophony.

“Howdy guys!” Hank Green said to the students, using the full extent of his arm to wave instead of his wrist alone.

Before the students could form words, Green exclaimed, “Golly Gee!” and snatched a few Petri dishes from the lab’s windowsill.

Green proceeded to crack open the fuzzy mold samples’ lids with his Hello Kitty window breaker- which eyewitnesses claim dangled from a pair of Subaru Forester keys- and absolutely go to town on the fungus, scarfing down the content of the yellow-green discs “at an alarming pace.”

“He wouldn’t stop,” stated one student after the incident.

“I looked directly into Hank’s moldy gullet and watched my life flash before my eyes- It was like the void was staring back at me,” said another, wrapped in a foil blanket.

Green quickly escalated to crouching atop the hand washing sink, wielding a jug of dimethylformamide, which doubled as his beverage of choice.

“This stuff? It is not good for you,” Green said in a voice far deeper than the one used seconds ago.

In the same manner as it began, the binge ceased abruptly when someone pulled the fire alarm.

“Wuh-oh!” Green yelped as he made his escape.

Eyewitness testimonies vary regarding what occurred during the last few moments of Green’s visit, but every story contains one consistent claim: He escaped through the second-story window.

Though some students report the unhinged man simply opening the window by its latches (which he latched himself). others claim that he utilized his Hello Kitty tool again to shatter it, the fact of the matter is, that no trace of any window was found at the scene.

The edges of the gap that allegedly used to frame the window are “silky smooth,” as reported to The Inkwell by a private forensic investigator.

Officials initially prospected that the broken glass found on-site could be evidence of the missing panel. This suspicion was quickly debunked by confirmation that the small quantity of recovered shards were merely remnants of slobbery Petri dishes.

Due to Green’s upheaval, university officials are down thousands of dollars in property damage. If anyone has information that may help to track him down, please call (248) 434-5508 to leave an anonymous tip.