Gossip Gus: From Lassos to Ribbons


Steven Pisano

“NYC Dance Parade 2019” by Steven Pisano is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Editor’s Note: This article is satirical and is not to be taken serious

Hey, Eagle nation! Gossip Gus here.

My dear readers, it’s time that I make an announcement that I’ve been holding off on all semester. This spring, I will be leaving the Georgia Southern nest and soaring into my next phase of life. An eagle can only hang around so long. Migrating is in my nature.

Don’t worry though, I’ve got quite a bit of juicy intel to drop before I hop across the stage this spring. Let’s start off with what changes I hear might be coming to Armstrong Campus’ intramural scene next fall.

There’s a certain men’s football coach who’s been abroad in the United Kingdom for the past few years. For the sake of anonymity, we’ll call him Fred Kasso.

Coach Kasso has made a name for himself in the football scene, but his humble Kentucky roots have been gently tugging him a little closer to home.

“I love the game,” Kasso said of football. “But I’m never afraid to switch things up. I think coaching competitive ribbon dancing is a natural progression for me.”

You read that right. Ribbon. Dancing.

“I’ve been a ribbon dancer for twelve years,” Kelsey Seaweed, a junior Biology major said. “I’m not sure Mr. Kasso has what it takes to lead us to victory.”

This semester, Georgia Southern’s ribbon dancing intramural league has met upset after upset.

“Kelsey has been a part of the league since her freshman year,” Max Olgelton, another member of the team, informed a source. “But I don’t think she knows what’s best for the team. I hope Coach Kasso will turn things around for us.”

“It’s not often a celebrity coach leaves behind his ritzy lifestyle to revive a dying team, but that’s just who Coach Kasso is,” a source close to Fred revealed.

I for one will have my eagle eye on Coach Kasso, word around the nest is that drama has a way of following him. While he has many supporters, there are still a number of individuals who are strongly opposed to him.

“Fred Kasso is nothing but trouble,” a source said. “I pity anyone who knows him personally.”

What do you all think? Will Coach Kasso be just what the team needs? Or will he wrap them in his web of ribbons?

Either way, I’ll keep you filled in. And who am I, you ask? That’s one secret I’ll never tell.

You know you love me,


Gossip Gus.