Gossip Gus: Professor Releases Controversial Makeup Line


Editor’s Note: This article is satirical and is not to be taken serious

Hey Eagle Nation,

Gossip Gus here. I know you’ve missed me. I’ve been busy jet-setting across the world and gathering as much juicy intel as I could get my talons on. You’re not ready for the secrets I’m about to drop right now.

Romance is budding on the Armstrong campus. The birds are singing. The bees are waking up and getting to work. But I’m not here to talk about any of that.

Rumor has it: one of Armstrong’s beloved professors is working on an exclusive line of Valentine’s themed cosmetics to be sold at what was formerly Gus Mart in the Student Union.

By the end of the month, the space will be fully transformed into Eaglephora— a one-stop shop for all of your glam needs.

“Now, students will never have to worry about leaving their touch-up bag at home,” Dr. Valen Tina, founder of Eaglephora, told a source. “Now, they can simply stop at Eaglephora and grab whatever they need.”

Dr. Tina a Romanceology professor, has made a name for herself in the cosmetic world. Her resume expands back decades.

“I’m really excited for this,” one student said. “I’ve heard really good things about Dr. Tina’s work. I hear she used to work with Hung Vango.”

Eaglephora’s debut line, ‘Romance Roster,’ will be available on an opening day.

A source provided me with a sneak peek of the collection, and I must say— it is simply divine.

“In just a few weeks, the campus will be teeming over with fierceness,” Tina said.

With all this said, you know it wouldn’t be a Gossip Gus article without some controversy.

Last week, in a now-deleted now TikTok, Dr. Tina allegedly gave her audience a sneak peek of the mascara she’s been working on.

After a brief jumpcut, some sources report that Tina’s lashes suddenly quadrupled in length.

“Definitely using falsies,” an anonymous source told me. “I’m not sure how she expects anyone to trust her makeup advice when she has to sport false eyelashes to sell a product.”
Students across campus are now discussing whether or not they will shop at Eaglephora once it opens.

“I mean, how can I be sure it won’t turn my skin green,” one student shrugged. “It’s not a good sign that even the founder can’t get results from their own product.”

Whether you stand with Dr. Tina or are completely opposed, I know we will all be curious to see how things pan out. Don’t worry. I’ll be here to give you the full report.

And who am I, you ask? That’s one secret I will never tell. You know you love me.


Gossip Gus.