Aye wee lads and lasses, ‘ere is the story of St. Patrick’s Day, a day dedicated to the a man who wasn’t originally named Patrick at all. Awkward.

It’s fifth century Britain. The hills are green and rolling, with little cows and sheep frolicking here and there. A 16-year-old boy named Maewyn Succat (mah-when Sug-goot) was hangin’ out with his dad Calpurnius and his grandpa Potitus. It was probably a nice day, they didnt have any global warming to worry about, but unfortunately, they did have pirates. One day, young Maewyn was snatched away from his family by a band of Irish Pirates. He was brought to Ireland and sold into slavery.

They didn’t have amber alerts back then.

He was bought by a man named Milchu, who was a hot-shot priest in the country at the time, and tended to his sheep for six years. While in the fields one day he sat there and thought, “God. This sucks. WHY God, Why!?” Of course, God didn’t answer, because I mean, he’s God — he isn’t very much of a talker, so Maewyn was like “Challenge accepted bro,” and decided this was all to test his faith.

He would pray every night, and then he had a dream. He was like “I Had A Dream, that –” wait. Wrong story.

A voice promised him he would find his way home to Britain. So, off he went. He met some sailors and was like “Salutations gentleman, think you could hook a guy up with an quick trip to Britain?” It was a mess. After days of sailing, the crew abandoned ship and Maewyn ended up in France alone, completely lost.

Luckily France had some pretty good schools, so he studied his butt off, became a priest and decided to rename himself Patrick. At least its a timeless name right?

Happy St. Maewyn Day! No, that would never catch on.

Pat’s first mission was to spread the gospel to the nonbelievers of Ireland. People weren’t very educated back then, so he used a shamrock to tech the Holy Trinity. People started to like his funny little clover stories and managed to spread Christianity far and wide. He was the man back then because of it, you kind of have to be in order for millions of people to celebrate your death day every year. Our main man Pat died around 461 and took his place in heaven among the greats – so the legend says.

And that’s the gospel truth. Check out Pat’s bibliography called “Confessio” for more of his adventures.

This was written around 4 a.m. Yes, it’s incredibly cheesy, but it’s a true fact that a brain shuts down after a certain hour. For the most part, this story is true and fact-checkable on History Channel, but is totally satirical. Enjoy!