Review: “Vampire Academy†sucks bloody boredom

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Laurianna Cull

“Vampire Academy” is a story about vampires in high school. Now, where have we seen this before? Oh that’s right, in every other film or TV show in the past seven years.

“Vampire Academy” takes place in a fantasy world where there are mortal vampires who maintain a peace with humanity. They are called Moroi. And, they have vampire-human hybrid protectors called Dhampir. The Dhampirs’ job is to always put the Moroi first and protect them against everything especially the soulless immortal vampires called Strigoi.

This is Rose Hathaway’s story. Rose is a 17-year-old Dhampir in training who has a very strong and rare connection to her best friend, Lissa Dragomir, a Moroi princess whom she has sworn to protect.

After being on the run for two years, Rose, played by Zoey Deutch (“Beautiful Creatures”), and Lissa, played by up-and-coming actress Lucy Fry, are captured by fully-trained Dhampir and brought back to St. Vladimir’s Academy, or “Vampire Academy,” where they are to continue with schoolwork and training.

But it turns out it may be more dangerous inside of the school walls than it was on the run. As Rose and Lissa try to navigate their way through school life again, they are faced with all of the usual high school drama as well as a few not-so-funny pranks that suggest someone has it out for Lissa.

Notice how long it took just to summarize the story for you. Now imagine trying to fit all of that in much greater detail in less than two hours. It was beyond tedious and confusing at times. While the world author Richelle Mead creates is an interesting one, the movie kind of butchered it with chunks of exposition in the form of unrealistic dialogue.

For example in the beginning of the movie, Rose and Lissa have an awkward conversation that tells about how they’ve been on the run for two years. It was so painfully unrealistic and obvious that the screenwriter was desperate to find a way to tell the audience the back story.

The movie only really goes downhill from there. Once the girls are back at school, the audience gets to enjoy a lousy performance from the head mistress Kirova played by Olga Kurylenko (“Oblivion”), school uniforms that come complete with miniskirts and heels, an after-school special about the dangers of bullying, and special effects that did not seem special at all.

As if that wasn’t enough, the romantic tension between Rose and her combat training teacher, Dimitri played by Russian actor, Danila Kozlovsky, is very uncomfortable due to the fact that Rose is 17 and Dimitri looks about 37 in the movie.

The only enjoyable part of “Vampire Academy” is the performance of Zoey Deutch as Rose. She provides just about all of the comedy in the film. Her fiery rebellious personality as well as her one-liners are simply fantastic and carry the entire movie.