Sex Shame

Reflector Community

by DeAmber J Patterson
With this past weekend being the football homecoming for my college, there’s been a lot of sex, alcohol, parties, the whole bit involved. It really opened my eyes to both sides of this spectrum.
One side says: have a good time, enjoy your twenties, and don’t settle down too early.
The other side says: Watch your body count, or no sex at all, find that Prince Charming, stay at home, dress like a nun. Wait, wait, wait.
Although I feel like at times I choose to live my life conservatively, I am not at all for judging others for doing what they want to do with their own life and bodies. 
I had a friend to tell me that I was unhappy because I wasn’t in a committed relationship and the things that I choose to partake in should be with my “boyfriend.” I thoroughly explained to her that I am the happiest that I’ve been in a year and that I’m having a blast right now. I am able to wake up with a clear mind and all I have to think about is myself. It feels great that I’m not spending extra money on someone that did not deserve it like I had done in the past year.
I like being able to choose and I like to take my time to figure what it is that I want and I feel amazingly happy doing it. This is not to say that I don’t want to settle down with someone as well, but I know there’s a reason for every little moment and in this moment I want to be grateful for it and live in it. 
I do despise how there’s never an in between. How come I’m not able to be a woman who loves God and to treat people well and to live a good life, while enjoying sex? I also hate the double standard on this issue. Women are always always always told to be perfect little flowers and I’m honestly sick of it. Men are commended for how many girls they’ve hooked up with, and are even encouraged to hit certain goals.
Minoring in Sociology has been such an eye opening experience for me. There’s a need for studying that all of these thoughts that people have about others sexuality is all socially constructed. Instead of evolving into a new era, people are so fixated on being content with judgement and fear.
I honestly wanted to write this to possibly reassure someone out there in the Internet world. I’m a 21 year old woman and I’m in my fourth year in college. I love God with all of my heart and I know he loves me and I don’t doubt it. I don’t feel like I’m letting him down by living my life in any way. I party, I enjoy being sexy and confident, and I am a spontaneous young woman. I put good things into my body to live a long and healthy life, and I work out often.
I treat people really well and I have a lot of people that often thank me for it. I no longer carry shame for sex and I know there’s someone reading this that’s incredibly shocked or disappointed. I will not accept judgement at all. It’s not allowed here. I’m learning so much about myself and my body through an endless exploration to fully know myself. 
My advice:
Don’t let society (wow, such a broad term to me) or even your friends right next to you place sexual shame on you inevitably because you’re a woman. Don’t let words like slut, whore, or even the concept of “that hoe over there” scare you from what you want. However, do thoroughly decide what it is that you want for your life. You are the only one that will be with you for ever so you don’t want to disappoint yourself.
You also have the right to change your mind. You’re not going to not find your “Prince Charming” (my mom always says this term haha) because you’re doing the same things that he probably is doing as well. Take every little moment in. Some moments you might hate but there’ll be a lot you’ll love. And that’s not sexually, that’s just to say that even trying a new food is a worthy option. You don’t have to mold yourself into this one person or category. Get to know yourself…
Accept yourself.
About DeAmber J Patterson: 

Senior Writing & Linguistics, minor Sociology
I’m from almost every city in Georgia, because I’ve moved around a lot. I love to explore, and in every way. I enjoy blogging and have recently found out actually how passionate I am about getting my voice heard. My blog on  WordPress (decidingwhathappens) touches on the different relationships and interactions that I as a young woman experience, in hopes of it helping someone else out.